Russia Probe’s One-Year Anniversary, IKEA’s Credit Card – Monologue

-Let's get to the news Today was the one-year anniversary of the Russia investigation and President Trump marked the occasion by tweeting

I gotta say I'm excited because season two is when they start killing off the characters nobody likes [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] According to "The New York Times," a TV show featuring Stormy Daniels' lawyer Michael Avenatti and former White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci was recently pitched to two cable networks The show is called "The Very Good Lawyer & Anthony Scaramucci

" [ Laughter ] The White House announced today that President Trump would donate his first quarter's salary to the Department of Veterans Affairs It's just a little less money than he's given to veterans of his affairs [ Scattered laughter, "ohhs" ] [ Cheers and applause ] New York gubernatorial candidate and actress Cynthia Nixon held a campaign event on a subway platform today Said subway riders [ Laughter ] Texas Rangers pitcher Bartolo Colón this week stopped a line drive with his stomach Players and umpires are still looking for the ball [ Laughter and applause ] The CDC has announced that Romaine lettuce is safe to eat again So I guess that's what passes for good news these days

[ Laughter ] Romaine's back! Ikea's launching a new credit card that offers rewards and perks for frequent customers, but it is a bitch to put together! [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Why do I need a dowel for a credit card? Scientists claim to have succeeded transplanting a memory from the brain of one sea snail and implanting it into another, or more likely, snails live pretty similar lives [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] I just had this memory of moving very slowly [ Laughter ] According to a new report, more parents are smoking marijuana now than ever before Said parents, "Oh, no We forgot Jeremy

" [ Laughter ]